Tuesday, April 8, 2014

And This Is How It All Started

I am a virgin, this is my first time doing stand-up comedy so please be gentle. I know most of the men here have never heard these words and those who have, it wasn't really the first time but I am telling you the truth, this is my first time. Maybe some of you had this secret wish someone to tell them ‘I am a virgin’ and now your wish has been granted. Someone, a real person, live in front of you says “I am a virgin, this is my first time.” Now you can go home and work on that wish, be more specific, you know there is a limited number of wishes that are granted during one’s life, not three, but a limited number, some people have more, some have less, you never know. And now this wish is considered having been granted, it counts towards the total, and I emphasize here a limited number of wishes one has during their lifetime. One less! Be this a lesson! Be very specific and carefully when you wish something.

Someone taught me how to effectively deal with hecklers. He told me to face that heckler, and shout very loud and clear some simple words that will effectively subdue and at the same time humiliate the heckler. And the words are: “F … you!”  I know, very powerful words, if they are said very loud and expressively. I rehearsed by telling myself these words in front of the mirror and for half an hour I wasn’t good for anything. However, there was something that didn’t feel right, someone could have inferred my sexual preferences, which are not preferences at all, wrong term, it is not like you can say "I prefer this, but if it is not available I'll take the other option!" so I have to make it clear what my sexual standing is. My own way to deal with a heckler is shouting at him/her: "You are a c…! F… you!"

A screenwriter - who collaborated with Woody Allen on several films - I could tell you the name but it would not be an useful piece of information, very likely you will forget it in the next 30 seconds - was asked during an interview: "Any advice for the comedy writer on how to succeed in the movie or TV business?"

His answer was: "My feeling is that there are already too many comedy writers. What we need is people in health care. Learn CPR and how to fill out a certificate of death."

I can extrapolate the question/answer to 'stand-up comedians'. There are more and more stand-up comedians in the world, especially here in North America (and I have a theory why so many here, and I'll tell during other show), they keep crawling up like earthworms after a rain.

<Now you turn to the other stand-up comedians that are somewhere behind the stage and shout:>

Shame on you, you are in your most productive time of your life and you do stand-up comedy, do something useful for the mankind not stand-up comedy! Again shame on you!

<Now you turn back to the public>

I am retired so I can say this, I did my bit for society. There should be a law, you cannot do stand-up comedy unless you are retarded or retired (hmm, now I realize these words sound almost the same).

<Now you again turn to the other stand-up comedians>

Shame on you! Shame, shame on you!

<Back to the public>

Some comedians start their act by shouting "How are you doing? Are you doing great?". People usually mumble something, and the comedian again shouts this time louder ""How are you doing? Are you doing great?" The response is better this time and if not, 3rd time the questions are asked even louder, and people respond more vivaciously maybe being afraid there is no way out of this and they have to their bit as well.

If you have not figured out by now they are only rhetorical questions, lines that comedians just start with, I cannot say we do not care how you are doing but we cannot do much anything about it. "You don't feel well? Should have gone to the doctor." "You don't have money? Go get a job! Is it beneath you working at McDonalds?! Then get a job at Burger King!"

So I won't ask you "How are you doing?" as for each one of you responding would add another 20 minutes to my act. Anyway you must be doing good if you are here and drink otherwise you would be sick or depressed at home.

A few word about me, I am retired as previously mentioned and I am a Jew. I know a Jewish comedian, nothing new here, and the ratio of Jewish comedians to the total number of comedians is mind numbing taking into account there are only some 13 mil. people in the world of 7 billion people. Again I have my theory about the predominance of Jewish comedians (of which most famous are Woody Allen, Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David), but I cannot reveal everything now, we have to leave something for the - I definitively hope so - next show, so you might want to come back and find out more. What we have now so far "why so many comedians in North America", and "why so many Jewish comedians".

Being a Jewish comedian is nothing special, I'll never be able to stand out. Standing up I can do - I know most of you perhaps even all of you including my family and friends who are in the audience think to the contrary - but "standing out" might be a tall order for me. I should convert and become a Jehovah's Witness, yes that would be something novel, a Jehovah's Witness comedian. I would be invited to shows only because of the novelty and it would look good on the posters and attract the paying multitudes (I have to emphasize the word "paying" because if it was free people would come anyway "Who's performing?" "I don't know, I don't care, it's free", next day you ask them "Who performed?" "No-one, we just sat there looking at the stage, but no complaints whatsoever, it was free!" . So the poster would read "A Jewish comedian, a Muslim comedian, an Afro-American comedian, a Jehovah's Witness comedian, and a Tea Party member!", the winning cast for any comedy show.

As a Jehovah's Witness I could force myself in people's homes and tell them jokes, they would be a captive audience, it is not like they could leave their own homes to stop hearing me. And at the same time they would have to listen to me carefully and with all the deference that a religious person is entitled to. So there would be no heckling from their part, a safe and supportive environment I might add.

You know what, I was googling "jewish jokes" and "117,000 results" came up. Did the same for "arab jokes" and "christian jokes" and more than 100,000 results, but still not more than the number of "jewish jokes", very disproportionate with the ratio of Jews in the world. This numbers fundament my theory about "why so many Jewish comedians in the world" and I will reveal a little bit from it. We ourselves made the jokes so we can distract the gentiles by laughing at us while we get their money so we can laugh last because as they say "he who laughs last, laughs better". This doesn't apply to you my honoured public, don't refrain yourselves until I finish, you can laugh at any time, if of course you consider so.

Interestingly, "muslim jokes" only 20,000 results came up so people are afraid, including me as I am not a hero so I won't do any of them.

And now to my idea, comedians should be allowed to do jokes about a certain group only if they belong to the respective group, otherwise it will be considered racism. There should be an universal law everyone abides by, and I am telling you the world will be a better place as none of the jokes will be considered racist any more. It will be just pure fun. Why non-jew people have access to such a big repertoire of jokes? Again it is racist and not fair. Can you imagine? If this law became into effect saying jokes would be the most lucrative job among Jews after banking of course. I would be invited to Middle East and flown special class, one of those cabins on a plane that in fact it is like a small apartment with kitchen, bedroom, living room, bathroom, and it comes with own butler. A helicopter would wait for me at the airport and take me to the hotel where I would have a swimming pool in my room. I would be treated like a king.

However, I deplore the muslim comedians. They would be invited to a Jewish club, transportation and accommodation will be provided after much haggling over the fees, and after flying economy you will read the provided detailed instructions on how to get to the place where someone would take you to the city. You would follow the instructions "Go ahead 100m, turn left, than second right and walk for 200m", and there here you are at the bus stop. And the accommodation would be an inflatable bed in the club itself. You would get even less what you'd thought you would as you didn't properly read some conditions but in the end it won't matter so much as you would constantly live under fear that at any moment you might be blown up.

But let's delve further into this idea of mine that should become a law.

What if our Jewish comedian is gay at the same time? All of the sudden the supply of jokes that can be tapped into has increased dramatically. But lets' not stop here, lets' have a latino, gay, Jewish comedian. Wow! Three big groups to make fun of! Can we do better? Yes, let's have a black, latino, gay, Jewish comedian. Is it far-fetched? Not at all, I am sure there are black, latino, gay, Jewish people. Now let's give him some physical attributes. Our comedian would be short and kind of fat like Danny de Vito. Have fun only just by looking at him, better than an athletic, ripped comedian, that would make men in the audience being threatened in their masculinity. Are you still with me? Lets' summarize it. Our comedian is short, fat, black, latino, gay and Jewish <this should be said with pauses>. Now I have planted this image into your heads, and you won't be able to erase it for while. Tell others about the short, fat, black, latino, gay and Jewish comedian. They won't have a clue what you are talking about, but there'll be a rippled effect by everyone's subconscious. Let's make it happen together and next year Hollywood will announce the King of Comedy, who happens to be short, fat, black, latino, gay and Jewish. And you'll all know you were part of i!

Thank you very much Madison Square Garden! And don't forget the short, fat, black, latino, gay and Jewish comedian, not that even if you wanted to you could now!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Jerry Seinfeld the Manager

Lesson 1
"I have always been big on the uniformity. One of the reasons I wanted the episodes to just be "The" something is because I didn't want writers wasting time on clever show titles. I wanted them working on the episodes."

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Only One Device for All Your Teeth Cleaning Needs

It is ludicrous, I have all the above 'devices', I use most of them but to no avail. So a few time ago I sent the following postcard to a British entrepreneur, of course he does not need my ideas (and this is less than an idea) but I could not help it.

Dear ... ,

I am using all the devices on the front of the postcard to clean my teeth, however not very successfully as I still have decays, gingivitis, and many other things not discovered yet.

Could you manufacture one device that replaces all of them?

Something I could hold in my mouth that would thoroughly clean my teeth while I watch TV.


And recently I read about Blizzident

"All Blizzident-bristles are tailored to your own teeth. They are placed on the surface of your teeth in a 45 degree angle. They are also aligned exactly along your gumline in a 45 degree angle.

Additionally there are interdental bristles between all your teeth.

For tailoring we use a 3D model of your teeth (created from an impression or scan of your teeth by your dentist)."

I knew that the device I 'envisioned' would have to be custom made to one's teeth, but I would have liked the device to have some small engines that move the bristles.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Exercise to watch TV or use the PC

SportsArt Fitness makes exercise equipment capable of generating electricity.

TV/PC-Do-Sport - Device to lock the TV/PC

The user of such a device would have to exercise in order to be able to watch TV or use the PC.

1. The TV would be connected through this device to a rowing machine, treadmill, elliptical, etc. 
Only when the user exercises can she/he watch TV, otherwise not; if a movie lasts 2 hours the user will need to pedal for 2 hours.

2. The user has to exercise for a certain duration (previously set) daily/weekly and so she/he can get ‘the right’ to watch any time TV during the day/week or use the PC. The duration of the exercise will be stored and according to the initial settings the TV/PC will be ‘unlocked’.
The lock could be removed (no more exercises, subsequently ‘free’ TV and usage of the PC) using a code obtained by Internet.
But, here is the catch: the customer would have to pay a certain fee for it so he will think twice before giving up.  People usually have no will but when money is involved, they wouldn’t give up so easily. The fee could be tied perhaps to the duration of using the lock, so the faster they give up the more they have to pay.

I sent an e-mail to SportsArt Fitness as they would have the capabilities to manufacture this device if they consider this idea worth pursuing.
However, they must have lots of ideas on their own, only curious whether they will respond or acknowledge in any way my e-mail.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Oath

The year is 1945, sometime after Japan’s surrender. A group of young Japanese Navy officers swear to a dying admiral that they will avenge the shame of the surrender by sinking Missouri. The admiral leaves his wealth to them for this purpose and the condition that no human life will be lost (he says same nice, straight-to-the-heart words about how too many people have died and the sinking of Missouri will be only for reclaiming Japan’s honor).

The officers swear to meet every year on the anniversary of their admiral’s death. They part ways and start businesses that become very successful as a result of the Korean War.

One of them, however (because there always has to be one who is different from the others) takes no interest in business. He practises karate all day, listens to patriotic war songs and visits the Yasukuni Shrine every year. The imperial Japanese flag (the Rising Sun) hangs in his apartment and he keeps his officer’s uniform in full view. A few times a year, he visits the graves of his family (both his parents, his wife and two kids). All death dates read the same: August 6th, 1945.
He is the one who reminds his fellow officers that they have an oath to respect. They insist that the time is not right and they need to accumulate more money for such an operation. The officer – let’s call him Toshiro – doesn’t like it, but he cannot do anything on his own.

One evening, Toshiro walks home, returning from the store where he has had his war medals cleaned and polished. He hears cries for help, runs and sees three drunken American soldiers menacingly approaching a young girl. Toshiro intervenes. In the brawl that ensues (the three drunks are no match for the Toshiro’s karate skills), Toshiro drops the box with medals and they roll across the ground.
One of the Americans shouts something like:
 “You bastard Jap, I know these medals. How many Americans did you kill?!” and draws a pistol. Toshiro is faster and hits him, and the soldier accidentally shoots the girl. Everyone stops as they realize what has happened.
Toshiro goes to the girl, but she is already dead.
“What did you do?” he shouts to the soldier.
The soldier shoots again and this time he injures Toshiro (a medal he was wearing attenuated the impact of the bullet). The soldier comes closer with the intention of finishing Toshiro off (the other two Americans try to stop him, but he says the Jap is the only witness). Toshiro, with the last of his strength, manages to karate hit him in the neck and kills him.

The two deaths are easy to pin on Toshiro: after a short investigation, the war memorabilia and the tragic death of his family in the Hiroshima bombings are revealed as evidence of Toshiro’s motives for attacking and killing of an American. The actions of the American soldier was attributed to self defence and the girl’s death was considered a tragic accident.

One of the soldiers doesn’t consent to this version of the story. His superior threatens him that, should he attempt to stray from this story, his testimony will be discarded because he was intoxicated at the time. They also mentioned that telling the truth will only bring disrepute to the Americans involved, including the family of the dead soldier, who was a Second World War veteran, a decorated hero in his small town. After being shown a photo of the departed’s wife and kids, the soldier concedes.
A recovered Toshiro from injury is condemned for life in prison.

Fast forward 60 years: the soldier who did not initially want to go with the cover-up story lays on his death bed. Not wanting to take this secret to the grave, he finally tells the truth. Toshiro is released from prison in time for the annual meeting of his former colleagues, or at least of those who are still alive. They continue to meet, but simply to reminiscence. They have businesses that trade with America, they no longer care what happened long time ago.

At the meeting, Toshiro gives a speech about the honor of the samurai’s ways. He reminds them of the oath they made. So, in order to placate him, they call Jason Statham, a former SAS operative to give them a report about the feasibility of the mission to sink “Missouri” without any loss of human lives.
Statham goes to Pearl Harbor and his report says, as expected, that it is an impossible mission.

Toshiro doesn’t accept this and vows to act alone. He travels to Pakistan where he contacts an officer from Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI, Pakistan’s intelligence agency) – here, I have to think how this can be done in a way that is credible – to aid him in his mission. The officer is able to put him in touch with “the right people”. Of course, a handsome amount of hard currency is changing hands.

Scene: in a tent, Toshiro and several bearded men (everyone knows who they are) drink tea, they already know a lot about Toshiro as they have a complete file on him from ISI. They tell him that the mission is dangerous, but they are willing to help him, though it will be very expensive.
Toshiro: “Money is no object”.
The men tell him to come next month with the down payment.

The following month, Toshiro returns. They show him a small, thin plastic cylinder that contains a very powerful explosive, developed in the secret ISI laboratories. They put it under a large rock and the rock is obliterated. Toshiro is impressed and he asks about the chemical composition (he has a curious scientific mind), but no one seems to know. He is told that it is a closely guarded secret of rare components. He says he will deliver the money.

Toshiro goes home. He feels uneasy about the whole affair and is hesitant to send the money. An appointment with his doctor, however, changes his mind. He is told that the blood test results indicate that he has at most six months to live. Toshiro decides to risk it and go ahead with the plan. He meets with his former officer colleagues and collects the money.
He pays the advancement, next instalment in Hawai’i.

It’s a dark night, a submarine approaches the shore of Oahu. The audience is given a clue who the submarine belongs to: a photo of the “Great Successor” is hanging in the captain’s room. The submarine surfaces and several dinghies are launched. At the beach, SUVs are waiting for the men. The next day: Toshiro comes to the luxurious hotel to meet the men. They show him the bag of powerful explosives so Toshiro hands them the next instalment.

However, in town we now have Jason Statham. He was called by Toshiro and his mission is to retrieve one of the explosives. During the night, Statham goes to the hotel and manages to take one of the explosives, but the terrorists notice it – have to think more about the whole scene – so, the next morning, the terrorists decide to act right away rather than waiting several more days as planned.

Meanwhile, Toshiro goes to a chemist and asks him to analyze the explosive. After a few hours, he comes back with the result, it isn’t a powerful, unheard-of explosive at all but … sand. Toshiro realizes that his own mission was just a cover for the terrorists’ true intentions which, he suspects, will result in the loss of many lives. Toshiro informs Statham of the imminent danger and together they set out to stop the men. The rest becomes a race against time.

Pearl Harbor: among the tourists that day, conveniently, is Sylvester Stallone and his nephew. Sylvester tells a story or two to his nephew about the time when he was Rambo.

Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham and a group of ruthless terrorists: this is a lethal combination that will offer at least 45 minutes of packed action that’ll keep everyone on the edge of their seat.

I still have to write these action scenes. At some point Toshiro sacrifices his life as he says he does not have much to live and it is his fault all this is happening.

The End

Friday, November 23, 2012

DORITOS Super Bowl Commercial Contest - Inspiration

2 guys come on the stage: a fat, small, bold, bearded guy and an athletic, handsome guy.

The interviewer: ‘What do you good looking gay, I mean guy, have as a snack?’
The good looking guy: ‘Apples, carrots, maybe an yoghurt.
The interviewer to the audience: ‘’Does this guy inspire you?’
Everyone boos.
The interviewer: ‘I didn't think so. What about you fat, bearded, small guy?
The small guy opens the jacket and bags of Doritos hang on the inside.
The interviewer: ‘I love you small, not talkative guy!’ to the audience: ‘Doesn't he deserve a big round of applauses?’
Everyone applauds.
The interviewer bends and says to the small guy: ‘You have some chip crumbs in your beard.’
Everyone goes quiet. You can hear the pin drop and a pin drops. The small fat bearded bold guy has a look, takes the crumbs and eats them.
Another big round of applauses, people are exhilarated, some jump on to the stage to hug the small guy.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Two Sisters (Working Title)

Main characters:

2 sisters Arya and Shia, Arya more beautiful than Shia; Shia is the older sister 

Rajiv: very good looking, one of the most popular boys in the high school and the captain of the school’s cricket team, they reached the state finals last year. 

Ganesh: typical nerd, glasses, skinny, spending all the time with the computer.

The Plot

Arya falls in love with Rajiv. Shia likes him too and secretly is jealous with her. The parents do not approve this relationship. They say the boy is from a different caste and they are poor too (he is an orphan and lives with his aunt). They have arguments, she cries, she says she loves him.

Mother:”Your older sister needs to get married first !”
Arya: “Look at her, she won’t get married too soon !”
Arya: “It was a joke sis !” (she is not only beautiful but funny too)
Shia smiles forcefully, she did not taste the joke.

Some boys are picking on Ganesh, they are chasing him, Rajiv intervenes him and saves him. This is the start of an unusual friendship. Ganesh mentors Rajiv at history and math lessons. Rajiv teaches Ganesh how to be a better cricket player, so he is no longer the last boy to be picked when captains choose their teams (he is now the last but one, no longer the last one).  

Arya gets pregnant, she and Rajiv elope and go to Bombay as he wants to become an actor. He gets a secondary role in a movie. They have money, he starts partying and having a good time with other girls, spends not too much time at home. Arya cries, makes scandal but in vain. She is too proud to return home.

One night the tragedy strikes. Rajiv is drunk, drives carelessly a Mahindra Scorpio with a very high speed, a truck comes from the opposite direction, a holy cow all of the sudden appears in front, so Rajiv has to swerve brusquely and ends in a ditch gravely injured.
He is in cast in hospital for a few months and loses the role.

After being discharged from hospital Rajiv tries in vain to get a new role but he does not get the big break as he had hoped for. No-one wants to employ him knowing his drinking habit. He starts to drink even more and he continues to party and start cheating Arya with other women. They run out of money and she is expecting with another baby.
They have no other choice but to go back to her parents.
They cry and receive her with open arms.
Joyous dances.

Meanwhile Shia had to get married with Ganesh. She didn’t want to as she did not like him at all (not to mention that after Rajiv’s departure secretly she was dating someone else). The parents find out and force her into a hastily arranged marriage with Ganesh. They tell her it was for their own best.
What about Ganesh ? He didn’t mind at all as anyway he did not have a girlfriend, and not any chance to have one too soon so he saw this as an opportunity to hold for the first time a girl’s hand.

After a while Shia and Ganesh move to the States as he got the green card.

10 years forward: Ganesh and Shia come back with their 2 children to visit their parents.
They look very well as Ganesh set up a successful software company that soon would have its IPO.  He’d had eye surgery and now he’s got 20-20 vision. He’s been working out too. He is getting bald (the hairline is receding at an alarming rate) but hair surgery is going to solve this.
Joyous songs and dances.

The two families meet and the contrast is staggering. Shia looks much better in her clothes bought in Paris and Milan and younger than Arya who’s had had 5 or 6 children (too many to event count them). All her kids are barefoot. Shia’s 2 kids wear Nike shoes and Calvin Klein clothes.
Rajiv is as usual more drunk than sober.
One night he overhears his first boy talking to his cousin: “I wish my father would be like yours !”
He goes out and starts crying bitterly, kneels down and swears to Shiva that he will change.
Sad songs and dances.

Next day he goes with a spirits bottle to his former boss at the construction site, he pours the bottle on the ground in front of the boss and asks for the job back.
“Sorry, no !”
He leaves, shoulders down. The boss picks up the bottle, smells it and calls him back.
Joyous songs and dances.

Next week Rajiv gets the salary, and passes by the bar. Friends call him to have a drink with them, at the beginning he refuses but he is too weak and caves in. Arya sees him but does not dare say anything.
Sad songs and dances.

Rajiv goes to the bar, takes out the wallet and when he takes out the money he sees the photo of his wife and him when they were younger. He looks up and sees himself in the mirror above the bar. The difference is staggering. Tears come to the corner of his eyes. He puts the money back and leaves the bar. He goes home not before stopping at a store to buy candies and sodas for the kids.

Arya sees him coming sober and she starts crying with joy.
Joyous songs and dances.

Fast forward 5 years
Arya and Rajiv move to the States as well. Ganesh helps him set up a home building company and he does very well.
Meanwhile Ganesh’s software company IPO did not go through and his company filed for bankruptcy as well due to intense competition from India.
His mansion with swimming pool and tennis court had to be foreclosed.
They had to move with Arya and Rajiv’s.

Last scene:
All of them are happy and sit at the table eating Indian food with the exception of Rajiv’s children that say they don’t like it and have burgers and milkshake from McDonald’s.

In the background the announcer says on TV:
“Bobby Jindal the governor of Lousiana is leading in the first count of the votes for the presidential elections”

The End

If you have suggestions for songs, scenes and dialogue you’d like to see in the movie, you are more than welcome to post them in the comments.