Tuesday, April 8, 2014

And This Is How It All Started

I am a virgin, this is my first time doing stand-up comedy so please be gentle. I know most of the men here have never heard these words and those who have, it wasn't really the first time but I am telling you the truth, this is my first time. Maybe some of you had this secret wish someone to tell them ‘I am a virgin’ and now your wish has been granted. Someone, a real person, live in front of you says “I am a virgin, this is my first time.” Now you can go home and work on that wish, be more specific, you know there is a limited number of wishes that are granted during one’s life, not three, but a limited number, some people have more, some have less, you never know. And now this wish is considered having been granted, it counts towards the total, and I emphasize here a limited number of wishes one has during their lifetime. One less! Be this a lesson! Be very specific and carefully when you wish something.

Someone taught me how to effectively deal with hecklers. He told me to face that heckler, and shout very loud and clear some simple words that will effectively subdue and at the same time humiliate the heckler. And the words are: “F … you!”  I know, very powerful words, if they are said very loud and expressively. I rehearsed by telling myself these words in front of the mirror and for half an hour I wasn’t good for anything. However, there was something that didn’t feel right, someone could have inferred my sexual preferences, which are not preferences at all, wrong term, it is not like you can say "I prefer this, but if it is not available I'll take the other option!" so I have to make it clear what my sexual standing is. My own way to deal with a heckler is shouting at him/her: "You are a c…! F… you!"

A screenwriter - who collaborated with Woody Allen on several films - I could tell you the name but it would not be an useful piece of information, very likely you will forget it in the next 30 seconds - was asked during an interview: "Any advice for the comedy writer on how to succeed in the movie or TV business?"

His answer was: "My feeling is that there are already too many comedy writers. What we need is people in health care. Learn CPR and how to fill out a certificate of death."

I can extrapolate the question/answer to 'stand-up comedians'. There are more and more stand-up comedians in the world, especially here in North America (and I have a theory why so many here, and I'll tell during other show), they keep crawling up like earthworms after a rain.

<Now you turn to the other stand-up comedians that are somewhere behind the stage and shout:>

Shame on you, you are in your most productive time of your life and you do stand-up comedy, do something useful for the mankind not stand-up comedy! Again shame on you!

<Now you turn back to the public>

I am retired so I can say this, I did my bit for society. There should be a law, you cannot do stand-up comedy unless you are retarded or retired (hmm, now I realize these words sound almost the same).

<Now you again turn to the other stand-up comedians>

Shame on you! Shame, shame on you!

<Back to the public>

Some comedians start their act by shouting "How are you doing? Are you doing great?". People usually mumble something, and the comedian again shouts this time louder ""How are you doing? Are you doing great?" The response is better this time and if not, 3rd time the questions are asked even louder, and people respond more vivaciously maybe being afraid there is no way out of this and they have to their bit as well.

If you have not figured out by now they are only rhetorical questions, lines that comedians just start with, I cannot say we do not care how you are doing but we cannot do much anything about it. "You don't feel well? Should have gone to the doctor." "You don't have money? Go get a job! Is it beneath you working at McDonalds?! Then get a job at Burger King!"

So I won't ask you "How are you doing?" as for each one of you responding would add another 20 minutes to my act. Anyway you must be doing good if you are here and drink otherwise you would be sick or depressed at home.

A few word about me, I am retired as previously mentioned and I am a Jew. I know a Jewish comedian, nothing new here, and the ratio of Jewish comedians to the total number of comedians is mind numbing taking into account there are only some 13 mil. people in the world of 7 billion people. Again I have my theory about the predominance of Jewish comedians (of which most famous are Woody Allen, Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David), but I cannot reveal everything now, we have to leave something for the - I definitively hope so - next show, so you might want to come back and find out more. What we have now so far "why so many comedians in North America", and "why so many Jewish comedians".

Being a Jewish comedian is nothing special, I'll never be able to stand out. Standing up I can do - I know most of you perhaps even all of you including my family and friends who are in the audience think to the contrary - but "standing out" might be a tall order for me. I should convert and become a Jehovah's Witness, yes that would be something novel, a Jehovah's Witness comedian. I would be invited to shows only because of the novelty and it would look good on the posters and attract the paying multitudes (I have to emphasize the word "paying" because if it was free people would come anyway "Who's performing?" "I don't know, I don't care, it's free", next day you ask them "Who performed?" "No-one, we just sat there looking at the stage, but no complaints whatsoever, it was free!" . So the poster would read "A Jewish comedian, a Muslim comedian, an Afro-American comedian, a Jehovah's Witness comedian, and a Tea Party member!", the winning cast for any comedy show.

As a Jehovah's Witness I could force myself in people's homes and tell them jokes, they would be a captive audience, it is not like they could leave their own homes to stop hearing me. And at the same time they would have to listen to me carefully and with all the deference that a religious person is entitled to. So there would be no heckling from their part, a safe and supportive environment I might add.

You know what, I was googling "jewish jokes" and "117,000 results" came up. Did the same for "arab jokes" and "christian jokes" and more than 100,000 results, but still not more than the number of "jewish jokes", very disproportionate with the ratio of Jews in the world. This numbers fundament my theory about "why so many Jewish comedians in the world" and I will reveal a little bit from it. We ourselves made the jokes so we can distract the gentiles by laughing at us while we get their money so we can laugh last because as they say "he who laughs last, laughs better". This doesn't apply to you my honoured public, don't refrain yourselves until I finish, you can laugh at any time, if of course you consider so.

Interestingly, "muslim jokes" only 20,000 results came up so people are afraid, including me as I am not a hero so I won't do any of them.

And now to my idea, comedians should be allowed to do jokes about a certain group only if they belong to the respective group, otherwise it will be considered racism. There should be an universal law everyone abides by, and I am telling you the world will be a better place as none of the jokes will be considered racist any more. It will be just pure fun. Why non-jew people have access to such a big repertoire of jokes? Again it is racist and not fair. Can you imagine? If this law became into effect saying jokes would be the most lucrative job among Jews after banking of course. I would be invited to Middle East and flown special class, one of those cabins on a plane that in fact it is like a small apartment with kitchen, bedroom, living room, bathroom, and it comes with own butler. A helicopter would wait for me at the airport and take me to the hotel where I would have a swimming pool in my room. I would be treated like a king.

However, I deplore the muslim comedians. They would be invited to a Jewish club, transportation and accommodation will be provided after much haggling over the fees, and after flying economy you will read the provided detailed instructions on how to get to the place where someone would take you to the city. You would follow the instructions "Go ahead 100m, turn left, than second right and walk for 200m", and there here you are at the bus stop. And the accommodation would be an inflatable bed in the club itself. You would get even less what you'd thought you would as you didn't properly read some conditions but in the end it won't matter so much as you would constantly live under fear that at any moment you might be blown up.

But let's delve further into this idea of mine that should become a law.

What if our Jewish comedian is gay at the same time? All of the sudden the supply of jokes that can be tapped into has increased dramatically. But lets' not stop here, lets' have a latino, gay, Jewish comedian. Wow! Three big groups to make fun of! Can we do better? Yes, let's have a black, latino, gay, Jewish comedian. Is it far-fetched? Not at all, I am sure there are black, latino, gay, Jewish people. Now let's give him some physical attributes. Our comedian would be short and kind of fat like Danny de Vito. Have fun only just by looking at him, better than an athletic, ripped comedian, that would make men in the audience being threatened in their masculinity. Are you still with me? Lets' summarize it. Our comedian is short, fat, black, latino, gay and Jewish <this should be said with pauses>. Now I have planted this image into your heads, and you won't be able to erase it for while. Tell others about the short, fat, black, latino, gay and Jewish comedian. They won't have a clue what you are talking about, but there'll be a rippled effect by everyone's subconscious. Let's make it happen together and next year Hollywood will announce the King of Comedy, who happens to be short, fat, black, latino, gay and Jewish. And you'll all know you were part of i!

Thank you very much Madison Square Garden! And don't forget the short, fat, black, latino, gay and Jewish comedian, not that even if you wanted to you could now!

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